blog

Flying the coop!

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 00:51:09 +0100

As parents of young adults, we have a balancing act between caring and nurturing, and allowing our kids to live their own lives as adults. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our actions and decisions. It can be challenging as a loving parent to let our children suffer the consequences of a decision, and so very tempting to rescue them!

One method that may be helpful as we reframe our relationship as the parent of an adult is to see ourselves as a coach, mentor, or adviser. When you find yourself in a situation where you want to tell them what to do, nag, or second guess their choices, ask them if they'd like your input. An easy way to do this is to ask your child if they'd like some advice. If they decline your offer, respect their wishes. Once they realize that you aren't trying to tell them what to do, they may be more open to hearing your advice. They may not take your advice, but that's their decision to make!

It's really important to have empathy for your child when they make mistakes, or they don't take our advice. Treat them as you would a good friend who made a mistake. Don't rescue them or fix it for them, just have empathy. "What a bummer, I'm so sorry that happened!" Hold the "I told you so's", even if you did tell them so! Empathy will keep the relationship open, and they be more likely to come to you for advice in the future.

Do as I do...

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:10:22 +0100

One of the best ways to teach our children, and something you hear us say often in the Redirecting Children's Behavior course, is modeling the behavior.   When we offer makeups to our loved ones, our children learn that this is a wonderful way to correct a mistake, right a wrong, or soothe a hurt. When we use our pause button, our children learn to take a break when they get upset. When we use our self-quieting space, our children learn the same technique. We can tell children what we expect of them and what we want them to do, and we can demonstrate to them by our own actions.

If you want your children to:
Read: let them catch you reading. Turn off the TV and have a reading hour in the home.
Eat healthy:   purchase and prepare healthy foods, and let them catch you enjoying fresh vegetables for a snack. Create a 'happy hour' with fresh cut vegetables and low fat dips.    Go to the farmer's market with your child, and let them choose the vegetables for a meal. Research low-sugar drink choices, and prepare fun, healthy drinks to replace high sugar sodas and juices.
Exercise: invite them on a walk, hike, or bike ride. Let them catch you scheduling in fun activities, and making exercise a priority in your life.
Engage in win-win conflict resolution: use the technique when you are in a conflict with your child, and let them catch you using the technique with other adults. Discuss how you used the technique at work.
Cooperate: cooperate with them, and let them catch you cooperating with your spouse, partner, and other family members.
Respect their elders: let them catch you treating your elders with respect, caring for your parents and elder family members, offering companionship and assistance to neighbors. Invite them to volunteer at a retirement home with you. Help them offer a monthly gift of helping a grandparent around the home or in the yard. Together with your child, interview their grandparents about your family, historical events from their youth, and other memories they want to share, and create keepsake books or audio or video files to honor them.
Care about learning: demonstrate your commitment to being a life-long learner. Let them catch you researching a topic of interest online or at the library, share with them a book you are reading to expand your knowledge, and talk about training you receive at work. Take a class, or complete a self-study project while your child is doing homework.

What other ideas can you come up with?

Actions speak louder than words   Ask yourself, if my children turn out just like me, would that be a good thing? If not, what do I need to change?

Loving our teens

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 22:57:01 +0100

Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? I remember criticism for dress, facial expressions, music choices,
friend selection, chores, just everything! Babies and toddlers receive so much positive affirmation, affection, and encouragement, but if often dwindles away by the time the child is a teenager. Remember when your toddler was learning to walk? You probably encouraged them even when they fell down. Try to do that when your teen makes a mistake. Teach them to repair the mistake, encourage them for trying, and let them know you have confidence in them and that you're there to guide them.

According to Gary Chapman:
It is essential that our teenagers feel loved by parents. I remember Ashley who at 13 years of age was being treated for a sexually transmitted disease. She said, "I thought my father left because he didn't love me. When my mother remarried, I felt she had someone to love her, but I still had no one to love me. I met this boy at school. He was older than me, but he liked me. I couldn't believe it. He was kind to me, and I really felt loved by him. I didn't want to have sex, but I wanted to be loved."

Do you know your teens love language? Gary Chapman wrote the book: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers to help parents love teens effectively. Does your teen feel loved?

Fall in love with your family!

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 01:03:02 +0100

2010, a new year, and a great time to recommit to our families. January 3rd is our wedding anniversary, so we are especially conscious to connect as a couple, and to renew our commitment to grow together. We believe that love is more than a feeling, it's a choice, a decision, and an act. Our society seems to revere the "in love" experience. Some people use the "in love" feeling as an excuse, or a way to deny responsibility for decisions: "I couldn't help myself, I fell in love" or "I fell out of love, so I left". If you have to fall, fall toward your spouse, fall in love with your family all over again.

We decide who we love, and we choose the relationships we will enter. Choose your mate again, and shower him or her with love, just like you did during your courtship. Send love notes, take each other out on dates, kiss for hours, have fun with each other. Happy New Year!

29 Days of Giving

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:51:29 +0100

November is Thanksgiving month and the beginning of the holiday season, so we joined the 29 days of giving. In this time of bad economic news, it's easy to clench our fists and feel scarcity. We choose to live in abundance. We give to our community through It Takes A Village conference for parent and educators, and teaching classes through Family Journeys. This month, we'll give to individuals as well.

http://www.29gifts.org/profile/HeatherandJoe